Sherlock Holmes Spoof The Case of the Popping Corn
by glancesherlock
Summary: Yep, the name says it all. Dr. Watson meets Sherlock Holmes and percieves him as insane. Meanwhile, Moriarty with the help of Moran have stolen important research from Orville Redenbacher. Act Three is up!
1. Act 1 Moriarty Strikes

Sherlock Holmes

Spoof

The Case of the Popping Corn

**Scene One- "My Name is Dr. Watson"****/ Moriarty Strikes**

Setting: A busy London street. A man with a thick mustache, dressed in grey is sitting on a bench, watching pedestrians. A boy runs up and tries to pick-pocket him. The man grabs the boy by the wrist.

Man: What do you think you're doing?

Boy: I'm sorry sir! But I've gone through an experience that was not jolly-good!

Man: It can't be any worse than what I just got through.

Boy: What?

Man: Well, if you're done stealing things, I'll tell you.

Boy: I am. Just tell me the story.

Man: Well first I think we should introduce ourselves. What's your name?

Boy: Charlie Dickens.

Man: Well, my name is Dr. Watson.

Charlie: I don't care. Just tell it to me!

Watson: Alright, fine. Don't get your chemicals in a boom.

Charlie: What?

Watson: Wow, I've been hanging out with him too much already. (Clears throat.) Anyway, as a tribute to Aladdin: (Voice gets intense.) It begins on a dark night… where a dark man waits… with a dark purpose…

(Scene fades and comes back up to a dark and foggy street. A man with a torn, traveling cloak saunters down it. He pauses at an alley and glances around, making sure no one is around, then disappears down the alley. A taller man with a dark cloak and a top hat is waiting for him. This man's name is Professor Moriarty.)

Moriarty: You are late, Colonel Moran.

Moran: (Sarcastically) Please accept my humble apologies, oh patient one.

Moriarty: (Loudly) Shut-up! Someone will hear you.

Moran: But you just, oh never mind. I've got the item.

Moriarty: Really? Err, I mean good. (Holds hand out eagerly.)

Moran: (Takes out small package from his cloak.) I had to tip over a few cows, but I got it.

Moriarty: What? Oh, never mind. Just give it to me. (Grabs it from Moran's hand and examines it. Smiles.) Excellent… (Puts package in his own cloak and begins to walk down the alley. Moran follows.) You are a good man in my eyes, Moran. A good man!

Moran: (Mutters under breath) Yeah, I know. (Clears throat.) I mean, yes, thank you sir.

Moriarty: So this man, Redenbacher, is he aware of our little theft?

Moran: He won't find out until morning, sir.

Moriarty: Good. (Stares at the moon.) My plan is working perfectly, Moran. There is only one person who could possibly stop me now.

Moran: And who might that be?

(Scene fades.)

**Scene Two- Dr. Watson Meets Sherlock Holmes**

Setting: Doyle's Juice Pub in London. Several people are sitting at the bar drinking (juice of course). One man has his face on the counter and is wearing an English hunter's hat. Watson enters the pub.)

Narrator Watson: I had just returned to London from Afghanistan where I had been a medical sergeant. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford an apartment, but a friend of mine said that I would find someone here who I could share the rent with; some guy named Sherlock Holmes.

Bar Tender: (To a customer.) So, Lestrade, any news from Scotland Yard on the theft that happened last night?

Lestrade: No, but my hic associates and I are hot on the hic mail.

Bar Tender: You mean trail?

Lestrade: That's what I said. (Slams empty bottle on counter.) Now give me another one.

Bar Tender: (Shakes head and gives Lestrade another bottle of prune juice. Then turns to Watson.) So what can I get you?

Watson: What do you have?

Bar Tender: we have apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice-

Watson: Cranberry sounds good.

Man with English hunter's hat: (Sits up quickly.) Cranberry juice! I just had almost a whole barrel of that! (Falls off his stool.)

Watson: On second thought, I'll go with the apple.

Bar Tender: Good idea. (Turns to get drink.)

Man with English hunter's hat: (From floor.) Oysters!!!

Watson: Is he always like this?

Lestrade: It's the fourth Sunday of hic June. Sherlock Holmes always gets like this on the fourth Sunday of June.

Watson: Sherlock Holmes. I'm looking for him.

Bar Tender: Really? What, are you in some sort of trouble?

Watson: Why would you ask that?

Bar Tender: Mr. Holmes over there is the greatest detective of our time!

Lestrade: He's a complete show-off, that's what he hic is.

Bar Tender: The only reason why you don't like him is because he's smarter than you. (To Watson.) Usually, Mr. Holmes is a gentleman, but on this day of the year, he gets drunk and it's the only time he does it.

Watson: Why? There's no point to it.

Bar Tender: (Shrugs.) I don't know, but it makes good business. He puts on a real show in this condition.

Sherlock: (Slams a cheap trophy in the shape of a violin on the counter, but stays on the floor.) I was eight times violinist champion! EIGHT TIMES! But does anyone remember that? NO! Nobody remembers me! Ahh! My life is a blank abyss of failure! Ahh!

Lestrade: Done! Another!

Bar Tender: How many is that for you?

Lestrade: Forty hic two.

Bar Tender: You know what? Here. (Hands Lestrade five bottles of juice.)

Sherlock: (Stands, using the stool for balance.) I'm gonna be heading home now. (Begins to walk, but falls over.)

Watson: Do you need help?

Sherlock: Nonsense. I'm perfectly fine. I've walked home a thousand times before.

Watson: Here. (Puts Sherlock's arm around his shoulder, carries him out the door, and begins to walk down the sidewalk.)

Sherlock: (Cradles head with his free hand and begins to groan.) Oooh… if you get me out of this, I promise I won't drink again for as long as I live. (More groaning.)

Watson: Speaking of that, where _do_ you live?

Sherlock: 221… Baker…

Watson: Baker Road? The same one as the school?

Sherlock: Oh, heck no! It's Baker Street, around the corner. (Even more groaning.)

Watson: All right, I'll get you there. (Walks toward Baker Street. Scene fades.)

**Scene Three- Meanwhile, Back at Moriarty's Lair…**

Setting: A large and decrepit house. Moriarty and Moran enter, finding the other henchmen playing a Game Cube.

Henchman #4: Oh, sweet! I'm in the Sudden Death! Who's Yoshi?

Henchman #3: I am. You're going down, Pichu.

Henchman #2: Who plays as Pichu? It's the worst character on this game.

Henchman #4: It's not so bad.

Henchman #1: Not so bad? It hurts itself when it attacks! How did you manage to get into Sudden Death?

Moriarty: What are you all doing?

Henchman #1: Playing _Super Smash Brothers_, what does it look like?

Moriarty: What is this… _Super Smash Brothers_? (There is a pause.)

Henchmen #2 and 3: What?

Henchman #4: Did he just ask that?

Henchman #5: Newb!

Moriarty: What's a newb?

Moran and Henchmen: NEWB!!!

(Moriarty gives Moran a hard stare.)

Moran: …What?

Moriarty: You know what? (Unplugs the Game Cube.)

Henchman #1: What are you doing?

Henchman #3: I was winning!

Henchman #4: No you weren't, I KO'd you just before it went dead.

Henchman #5: How? You're a suicidal, electric ra-

Moriarty: ENOUGH!!! Meeting. Kitchen. _Now_.

(All groan and follow Moriarty to the kitchen.)

Moriarty: Okay, Moran here has successfully stolen the research from Redenbacher. (Pauses, then motions for them to applause. The henchmen clap pathetically.)

Moran: Gee… thanks.

Moriarty: And with no casualties, I might add.

Moran: Oh wait, that's not true. I sort of… killed the stable boy and on top of that I tipped over his cows.

Moriarty: What?!

Henchman #1: Well, Moran was the greatest player on the English cow-tipping team.

Moran: Keepin' It Rural.

Moriarty: I'll overlook that. But the murder will attract my old foe.

Henchman #5: Oh boy, here we go.

Henchman #4: Hey, do you mean Shir-

Moriarty: Don't say it!

Henchman #4: -ley Temple?

(All stare at Henchman #4.)

Moriarty: (Sarcastically.) Exactly, Shirley Temple. Anyway, this research, (throws it on the table) I will pass on as my own. Redenbacher's been working on it for years, and it's sure to be big.

Henchman #2: How will you be able to pass it off as your own?

Henchman #3: Yeah, won't people know that it's not yours?

Moriarty: Well, Redenbacher never applied for a copyright so it's fair game.

Henchman #3: Makes sense.

Moriarty: Good. Then meeting adjourned. I just wanted you all to know what going on because I want you all to be informed.

Henchman #1: Hey, Professor M, what is the research about anyway?

Moriarty: I'm not telling you!

(Scene fades.)


	2. Act 2 Scenes to Get the Story Moving

Heh heh, I forgot to put the DISCLAIMER in the first part. So here's the DISCLAIMER.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sherlock Holmes, it belongs to Sir Author Conan Doyle (Has anyone ever noticed that his name is just obscenely long? I mean you've seen others with long names but his just sort of sticks out.) or any related characters, or any tributes that this spoof may or may not contain. I also do not own Orville Redenbacher's homemade popping corn or my username isn't glancesherlock.

**Scene Four- ****The Official Meeting**

Setting: 221B Baker Street (WHOOOT!!!). Watson is sitting on a chair, reading the _Strand_. Sherlock enters from his bedroom.

Sherlock: I must thank you, Dr. Watson, for waiting with patience to acquire my services. I see you've found interest in my newspaper.

(Watson sits there with his mouth open and the newspaper falls off his lap.)

Narrator Watson: It was the most remarkable turnover I'd ever seen. Just hours ago, he had been a drunken fool. Now he was a normal gentleman. But wait a second…

Watson: How the he—

Sherlock: Oh, it was quite simple really. I figured you needed my services by the very fact that you're still here and not looking at all concerned for my health. But considering that you've just sort of met me, I'm not surprised.

Watson: Great Scott… But how did you know I was a doctor? And what about my name? You know, that sounded a little creepy.

Sherlock: Don't worry, I'm not a stalker on most days. That was easy. You still have the sticker that says "Hello my name is Dr. Watson" on you. I'm guessing you went to some museum or something before coming here.

Watson: No, it was social worker's office. But close enough.

Sherlock: So, (sits down in the chair across from Watson) what is it you wanted?

Watson: Well, let's see, I've just returned from—

Sherlock: Afghanistan.

Watson: You know, I'm almost regretting coming here.

Sherlock: Will you relax? (Lights pipe.) Startling people is what I do for first impressions. It's just how I roll. The stitching on your arm is that of only Afghan use.

Watson: (Sarcastically) I'm bet you have a big, wild social life going for you.

Sherlock: You have no idea. Now, you were saying.

Watson: I've just returned from Afghanistan and I'm looking form somewhere to stay. Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to have lodgings of my own. A friend of mine said you were looking for someone to split the rent with. Perhaps we could make a deal until I can get my own place?

(As Watson talks, Sherlock stands up, goes to the fireplace mantle, picks up the shoe where he keeps his special tobacco in, and frowns.)

Watson: What's wrong?

Sherlock: My shoe is empty. (There is a knock at the door.) Yeah? (Mrs. Hudson enters.) What's up?

Mrs. Hudson: Mr. Holmes, there is an Orville Redenbacher here to see you.

Sherlock: Oh great, send him in. (Mrs. Hudson leaves.)

Watson: Uh, should I go?

Sherlock: If you're gonna live here, you might as well see what I do and get used to it.

Watson: Alright then.

(Redenbacher enters. He is a short man with giant glasses that make his eyes look big. Sherlock and Watson try not to laugh.)

Sherlock: "Clears throat." What can I do for you?

(Redenbacher breaks out crying, pulls out and stuffed pig from his coat pocket, huggles it, and falls on the floor, all while assuming the fetal position.)

Sherlock: Um…

(Scene fades.)

**Scene Five-**** Lestrade ****"****Investigates****"**

Setting: A homeless shelter with several people sitting around a table and eating. Two guys are playing Cat's Cradle and the Inn Keeper is serving soup.

Homeless Guy #1: (To Homeless #2) What do you got?

Homeless Guy #2: SPAM. What do you got?

Homeless Guy #1: Stuff posed as meat. You wanna trade?

Homeless Guy #2: Sure. (They trade plates.)

(A now sober Inspector Lestrade breaks down the door, followed by several Officer Dudes.)

Officer Dude #1: Um sir, are you sure—

Lestrade: Of course I am! Now no one move! Everyone here is under arrest for the robbery of items belonging to Orville Redenbacher.

Homeless Guy #1: (Whispers) What did she say?

Homeless Guy #3: (Whispers back) Something about being shoved in a locker.

Lestrade: (Twirls his gun on his finger.) So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

Inn Keeper: What?

Lestrade: Sorry, I'm sort of recovering from a hangover. What I meant to say was— (His gun flies off his finger, hits the wall, shoots, the bullet hits a bottle of cooking oil, the oil spills onto the stove, the stove catches on fire, and then everyone starts screaming and running around.)

Lestrade: Oh, son of a— (Cuts to Scotland Yard headquarters where Lestrade, and the Chief are sitting across from each other at a desk.)

Lestrade: What do you mean you're taking me off the case?

Chief: Exactly that. Did you even have a lead to those people in that shelter?

Lestrade: They had knives.

Chief: Yeah, butter knives! Lestrade, I am sick—

Lestrade: And tired!

Chief: ...?

Lestrade: And tired always follows sick.

Chief: ……….Shut-up Lestrade.

Lestrade: Yes sir.

Chief: I am sick of your jumping-to-quick-to-conclusions. They're always wrong anyway.

Lestrade: Hey, I helped put the fire out!

Chief: Do you think the homeless shelter's there anymore? No, it's reduced to ashes. Your "helping" made it worse!

Lestrade: Worse… or better? (There is a pause.)

Chief: Look, I'm very busy with this case and a file-cabinet full of other ones.

Lestrade: Can I work on one of those?

(The Chief looks like he's at his wits-end. Then his phone rings and he obviously answers it.)

Chief: Scotland Yard…. Oh, Mr. Redenbacher………………………….. Mm hmm………... Uh huh………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Yes, I know, it blows the top right off…………………………….. I agree, his hat is abnormal ……………. Oh yes, we'll send someone right over. (Hangs up)

Lestrade: Why does no one say good-bye on the telephone?

Chief: Well it seems that Mr. Sherlock Holmes is on the case so, Lestrade, you're back on.

Lestrade: (Stone faced) What?

Chief: You are to go to Redenbacher's house and aid Holmes in any way that you can. (Starts looking through some papers on his desk)

Lestrade: Wait, so just because Holmes is working on this case means that—

Chief: Go or you're demoted!

Lestrade: (Stands up quickly) I'm going! I'm going. You see that door right there, I'm walking out right now. I'm gonna go solve the case and I will do it while kicking arse. (Slowly exits the office and keeps babbling the whole time)

Chief: Oh, Lestrade.

Lestrade: (Pokes head back in.) Yes?

Chief: Did you ever try that sick and tired crack on your mother?

Lestrade: Yeah I didn't remember anything after that. (Exits)

(Scene fades.)

**Scene Six- ****Rule #One**

Setting: Redenbacher's place (your typical farm house with a barn and several cows inside a large fence). Sherlock and Watson enter and begin to walk up the house.

Sherlock: When I said "see what I do" I didn't mean follow me everywhere.

Watson: Well, I'm curious now. I mean come on murder, robbery, cow-tipping; it sparks a guy's interest.

Sherlock: Yeah well, the bathroom was a little irrelevant.

Watson: Hey, I didn't know what room it was and you were talking to me on your way in. I thought I was supposed to follow.

Sherlock: Forget about it.

Watson: Alright. Now Holmes, I have to bring this up. What's with the hat?

(Sherlock stops walking and slowly turns his head at Watson. Watson takes an involuntary step back.)

Sherlock: If we are going to start sharing rent I want to make something perfectly clear. Rule #1- Don't diss the hat. Got it?

(Watson nods rapidly and Sherlock quickly composes himself.)

Sherlock: Splendid, now watch and learn. (He reaches the house and knocks on the front door. Redenbacher answers.)

Redenbacher: Oh, Mr. Holmes.

Sherlock: Yes, when you finally calmed down and told us about your case it intrigued me, so here I am.

Watson: What I don't understand is how you got here before us.

Sherlock: So you're okay now right?

Redenbacher: Yeah, I took an anti-depressant and a sedative and applied Head-On directly to the forehead so I'm cover for the next forty-two minutes, give or take an hour.

(There is a pause.)

Sherlock: I'm sorry, I have no response to that. In fact, I don't even think Dr. Phil could have a response to that.

Redenbacher: Do you want to see the crime scene? It's just right out back in the barn and the kitchen, and the bathroom, and in Whoville…. (He babbles on like this as he goes into his house. His voice slowly fades out.)

Sherlock and Watson: Psycho. (They reluctantly follow Redenbacher. Scene fades.)


	3. Act 3 An Evil Plan Made on the Spot

Wow, it's been a while. I FINALY found the time to write this. Also, I ran into a case of writer's block while back curses Anyway, consider Scene Eight/Nine my revenge on Moriarty for what he did to Holmes and Watson in "The Final Problem." ;)

* * *

**Scene Seven- While Ridding on the Choo-Choo Train…**

Setting: Moriarty and Moran are riding a train that is going to a dark part of London. The other passengers are singing "Another One Rides the Bus" by Weird Al Yankovic. One of them is playing the accordion to the tune.

Passengers: Another one rides the bus! (Accordion solo) Another on rides the bus! And another gets on. And another gets on! Another one rides the bus! Hey, I'm gonna sit by you! Another one rides the bus! (Accordion solo)

Moriarty: (Saying this with barely-controlled rage and clutching his cane as the song continues.) I am going to brutally murder whoever wrote this hideous song.

Moran: (Cleans his air-gun) Now don't go stealing my job. I wonder how long it'll take them to realize they're not on a bus.

Moriarty: They haven't even been invented yet.

Moran: Neither have video games, but I still love 'em.

Moriarty: (Just now noticing the air-gun.) Do you have to have that thing out in public?

Moran: What, Annice? (Strokes the air-gun.) She's harmless.

Moriarty: And illegal to have on you, especially on a train.

Moran: Since when have we cared about being legal?

Moriarty: You fool! Do you want to get arrested before we even put our plan in full action? Just put the darn thing away until we get to the inn.

Moran: (Sarcastically) Yes, my liege. (Puts the gun in the folds of his coat.)

The little voice inside Moriarty's head: Who names their gun Annice?

Moran: So who do we have this rendezvous with and why is it so important?

Moriarty: I already explained this to you. Were you not paying attention?

Moran: No, after I do your dirty work, I just sort of ignore everything until I'm sent back out into the field.

Moriarty: Why do you have to be such a kill-joy? I mean, here I am performing innocent, illegal, and sometimes violent acts and all you do is… Wait, what _do_ you do when I don't need your services?

Moran: Shoot things, play _Guitar Hero_, and try to break into public television.

Moriarty: (Nods in understanding and there is a pause.) Sounds like fun.

Moran: They're great hobbies.

(Cuts to Moriarty's Lair where the Henchmen #1-4 are playing _Guitar Hero III_. Henchman #5 enters with a doll that looks like Moriarty.)

Henchman #5: Hey guys, you've got to see this! It's—

Henchman #1: (Without looking up, missing a note, or showing any emotion.) It's a voodoo doll you had made to look just like the boss so we could have fun kicking the bacon soap out of it in false hopes of destroying the Nazi slave-driver that is Professor James Moriarty.

Henchman #5: Pretty much. (There is a pause.)

Henchman #1: I'm in.

Henchman #4: I'm in.

Henchmen #2 and #3: Us too. (They put down everything and gather around the doll. Meanwhile, the abandoned band on _Guitar Hero _is getting booed off stage. Scene fades.)

**Scene Eight/Nine- The Napoleon of Crime and "The Woman"/Moriarty vs. the Voodoo Doll**

Setting: A filthy street where Moriarty and Moran enter the Conan Inn. A security guard walks up to them.

Security Guard: I'll be needing your weapons before you can proceed.

Moriarty: (Frowns) You know, we never had to do this before 9-11.

Moran: Stupid airports and their influence.

Security Guard: Come on guys, I know you've got 'em.

Moriarty: The cane stays.

Security Guard: Very well.

(Moriarty and Moran begin taking out their weapons and putting them on the table. Moriarty has just a small pistol and a switch-blade. Moran, however, brings out his air-gun, revolver, machete, nine iron, pink bag of cherry bombs, and tommy gun. He then reaches down and pulls out a small bazooka from his shoe. Moriarty looks down and sees that the shoe is smaller than the gun.)

Moriarty: Where are you keeping all this?

Moran: I'd have to kill you if I told you sir.

(Cuts to the Henchmen.)

Henchman #2: Hey, you got the hair color wrong. The N of C has black hair not… green.

Henchman #5: It was the only color they had left.

Henchman #3: Can I play with it?

Henchman #5: It's not just something you can play with.

Henchman #1: I want to take a look at it. (#1 and #3 grab at the doll, but #5 pulls it away.)

Henchman #5: No! I want to inflict the first pain!

Henchman #4: Share! (Lunges at the doll, but accidentally knocks it out of Henchman #5's hand. The doll flies across the room, lands on the wall and slides to the floor. Cuts to Moriarty and Moran who are about to enter a dark room at the inn. Moriarty is pushed by an unknown force and rams into Moran.)

Moran: Watch where you're going!

Moriarty: It wasn't me!

Moran: (With satire) You know, you're right. It was the other dark and sinister, ugly man that's standing right next to me!

Moriarty: Oh shut-up and come on. Our host is waiting. (They enter a backroom with a table and a few chairs surrounding it. Someone in a black hood is sitting at the table. Moriarty and Moran sit across from her.)

Woman: You have come to make business with me, Professor Moriarty?

Moriarty: That all depends on to whom I'm speaking to. 

(The Woman takes off her hood.)

Moriarty: Irene Adler… I have to say, it's been some time. But didn't I exile you to America when you let that Bohemian King off too easy?

Adler: Oh, I quit when I heard about this.

Moran: You quit being exiled?

(Cuts to the Henchmen. They've stopped their fighting and now Henchman #5 has a pin.)

Henchman #5: I've always wanted to do this. (Stabs the pin into the left arm of the doll.)

(Back to M. and M.)

Moriarty: To be honest with you Adler, I was expecting someone else.

Adler: Your host had a more important matter to attend to and had canceled last-minute, so I graciously came instead.

Moriarty: (Winces and grabs at his arm.) Fine, it works all the same. I take it he told you of the situation then?

Adler: Yes, I understand you have important research that you plan on passing off as your own.

Moriarty: (Nods) But to do that I need the help of someone with… connections.

(Back to the Henchmen. #4 is holding a match and lights it.)

Henchman #3: Don't destroy it too much. The rest of us want to have a go at it too.

Henchman #4: I'm only gonna burn his toes. (Puts the match closer to the doll's shoe. Back to M. and M.)

Moriarty: I am in a bit of a hurry so we'd best get right down to business.

Adler: I agree. Let me see the research.

(Moriarty pulls out a SpongeBob Squarepants binder, takes out Redenbacher's research, and gives it to Adler.)

Adler: (Looks it over.) This is interesting… It must have taken him years to figure this all out.

Moriarty: (As his shoe begins to smoke.) Yes, it is ingenious, which is odd, because Redenbacher is completely psychotic.

Moran: (Sniffs the air.) It smells like burnt leather in here.

(Moriarty looks down at his shoe which is now on fire. He screams and his chair falls backwards.)

Moran: Hold still! Hold it! (Brings out a hotdog on a stick from who-knows-where and starts roasting it on the fire.)

Moriarty: Put it out, you idiot!

Moran: What, I'm hungry.

Adler: I got it! (Tears a fire extinguisher from the wall and blows it at Moriarty's shoe. The fire goes out and Moran's hotdog is covered with whatever is in a fire extinguisher.)

Moran: Aw, my hotdog…

Adler: Maybe we should reschedule this…

Moriarty: (Sits up quickly and puts the chair back into place.) No! I mean, this needs to get taken care of as soon as possible.

Adler: (Unsure) Okay…

(Cuts back to the Henchmen. #3 is holding a dropper of ice water over the voodoo doll's head.)

Henchmen #1: Remember, one drop at a time.

Henchmen #3: Don't worry. I was trained in the ways of torture. (Begins to slowly drop the water on the doll's forehead. Cuts back to Moriarty and Moran.)

Adler: So what you want me to do is reserve you a spot at the Granada Science Convention.

Moriarty: Yes.

Adler: Which is this Tuesday?

Moriarty: Precisely.

Adler: Tomorrow.

Moriarty: Yea- ooh… (As he realizes his mistake, Moran starts laughing.)

Moran: You waited this long to put this plan into action?

Moriarty: Hey, procrastinators _will_ unite tomorrow. (To Adler) Come on, I know you have connections. (Starts to tremble a bit.) Couldn't you work something out?

(Adler almost opens her mouth to speak but is interrupted as Moriarty grabs at his head and begins to spaz out.)

Moriarty: (Singing so terribly that it sounds more like yelling.) Mi-a-hii Mi-a-huu Mi-a-haa Mi-a-ha ha Allo, salut, sint yel, un hydook, she teraw, youbeera mah, primesh der, vericheera, Allo, Allo, sint yel, Picasso, Tiam dat beep, she sen voynic, un dar sege ti notes cher nimeek vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay numa numa i-ay numa numa numa i-ay kipul tow she dragosta din tay, ma mintesc day oki ti-ay vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay numa numa i-ay numa numa numa i-ay kipul tow she dragosta din tay, ma mintesc day oki ti-AAAAAYYYYY!!

(Adler points to Moriarty with a face like "What's his problem?" Moran shrugs.)

Moran: Hey sir, you're looking a little sweaty.

Moriarty: It's cold!! (Falls over once again. Cuts back to Henchmen. #1 is not there.)

Henchman #5: Alright #2, your turn.

Henchman #2: (Shrugs.) I can't think of anything.

Henchman #1: (Enters with a toaster.) Good, because I've got a good one.

Henchman #3: You're going to toast the doll?

Henchman #1: Psh, no. That'd be stupid. Just follow me. (They go into the bathroom and Henchman #1 turns on the water in the bathtub. They all grin.)

Henchman #2: Brilliant.

(Cut back to Moriarty and Moran. Moran is supporting Moriarty, who is babbling incoherently.)

Moran: Well Miss Adler, be sure to get back with us. You have our number right?

Adler: 667-14153? Yes.

Moran: Come on, professor.

Moriarty: (As they exit.) Vrais a pleche dar… numa numa i-ay numa numa i-ay numa numa… numa i-ay kipul tow she dragosta din tay….

(As soon as the door shuts, Adler sees a large flash behind it and Moriarty screams. She opens the door and Moran is still standing there and a stream of small flames is going down the hall.)

Moran: Well, there are two things I've learned today.

Adler: What?

Moran: When you're electrified through voodoo magic, you can run like the Dickens, and Professor Moriarty listens to O-Zone.

(Scene fades.)

* * *

Useless Trivia!: What is the song that Moriarty starts to babble and what language is it sang in? 


End file.
